to have and to hold

Ben and I celebrate our 11 year anniversary tomorrow (February 17, 2007). 11 years - I remember our first date like it was yesterday, yet it feels like I have spent my whole life loving Ben. I do remember, though, that there was a time where my life was "Benless" (we met in grade 9, and started dating in grade 13). There was even a brief period of time where I tried to hold him at arms length. He scared me, in his determination and tenacity to get to know me. He would not let me walk away, no matter how hard I tried.

I first came to love his determination, his kindness, his caring, his friendship, soon after we started dating. I had never met someone who loved everything about me, things I had tried to hide for so long, things that I was afraid to let others know about me. Ben loved each of things and made me realize that God made me the way I am. God knit me together in my mother's womb, Tammy, knowing who He was making me, knowing the decisions that I would make, pleasing and unpleasing in His sight (ahh, free will - it's what happens when you let your child choose their paths for themselves). Ben taught me what a true friend was and is, standing by my side when others turn away, listening when others are too busy, encouraging when others are disappointed.

I then came to love Ben's gifts of listening and of helping. He has always put others first, helping those around him who can't even ask for help. He is selfless in his quest to make others' lives better. When talking with Ben, he listens with his eyes, his ears, his heart, his soul. This doesn't mean he remembers every detail (like when my evening meeting starts or even what it is about), but he remembers the important things. God provided me with the perfect helper (I wish I could remember the Hebrew word for helper as used in the Old Testament - translated, helpers means rescuer). Ben rescued me from loneliness and from my tendency to feel sorry for myself. He rescued me from my selfishness, showing me what it is to live with open hands. He shares his time and resources, knowing the support others require. He supports my friendships, he supports my work, he supports my quest to serve God and follow God. Ben will sacrifice his plans, his goals and desires, to help me excel.

Ben's sensitivity totally won me over. Growing up like he did, the youngest of 3 boys, the older brother to 1 younger sister, the foster brother of many, the son of a wonderful husband and wife, the kid who just wanted to be liked by his peers, the kid who grew up the brunt of many of his peers' jokes and taunts, made Ben exceptionally sensitive. He could put himself in others' shoes since he knew what it was like to want something and not get it, to want to be someone's friend and instead be made fun of. Ben blushes to this day and I know it drives him crazy, but it melts the hearts of those around him. His soft heart melted my heart.

God has made Ben a wonderful man. I am so thankful to my Lord and God for the gift he is to me, to those we meet, to those he works with, to the 2 year olds and their families whom he serves every week. His desire is to bring a smile to someone's face, and then share how God has made his heart smile.

God calls husband and wife to love each other, to submit to each other. In Ephesians chapter 5, Paul states, "You wives will submit to your husbands as you do to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of his body, the church; he gave his life to be her Saviour. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives must submit to your husbands in everything. And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean ... In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies .. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." Love is a choice, not an emotion or a feeling. I choose to love Ben, to respect him, to support him, to encourage him. I am Ben's biggest fan! I am proud of him as a man of God, living his life to please the Lord. I am proud of Ben in his quest to show his co-workers who Jesus is and how religion plays no role in having a relationship with our one true Lord and Saviour. It is my privilege to serve Christ alongside my husband, in an atmosphere of mutual respect and sacrificial love.

Ben knows how much I love him. As I try to type past the tears, I am overwhelmed with Ben's steadfastness over the past last 11 years. Life has been an interesting roller coaster, of being students together, of one of us working while the other studied, of joy and pain, of having little and having much, of serving God wholeheartedly, of walking away from Him. Ben has been a tangible example of God's faithfulness and how God's love for me never changes.

I look forward to nothing more than growing old beside Ben, to serving him and showing him how much I love him and how much God loves him. Ben, thank you. Thank you for your love, for your friendship, for your sacrifices. You are the best gift I have ever received and I am full of anticipation for the next 11 years, for the next 20 years, for the next 40 years, for eternity where we can praise God side by side, everyday, never growing tired. I love you with all my heart.