what is on my mind

Ro and I, post-candy accumulation.

Our Fairy Princess

Our daughter, Looloo, is scheduled to join us in 6 weeks, 6 days (making her arrival December 20). Yes, we have a name picked out, and no, we aren't sharing it with anyone. You will all find out when Ben announces to the world her arrival. Now, to attempt to ensure I make it to December 20, I have been told to take it easy. For those who know me, taking it easy is not my forté. First of all, I have always been a person driven by to-do lists. I think it drives Ben crazy. That being said, he also likes the order it brings to our lives, so he has learned to smile at me as I eagerly check things off my lists. My lists have become quite lean, and I have learned to take several days to accomplish tasks that I would normally do in hours. I've also had to take things off the list and now Ben does them on the weekend (like cut the grass, vacuum, lift things, etc.).
This has proven to be VERY difficult. First, I don't want Ben's weekends to be about cleaning when I am home all week. He works so hard during the week already; it doesn't seem fair. His weekends should be about resting and enjoying his family. Second, "taking it easy" makes me feel lazy. I like to work hard. This work ethic has been engrained in my psyche. Some of my self-worth is equated to what I accomplish in a day. So when I am laying in bed at night (by 9), and think, "well, I checked my email, read some of a great book, sat with my feet up, watched a movie with my daughter, and cleaned up after meals", I feel guilty and worthless. "It was such a beautiful fall day, and we WATCHED A MOVIE INSIDE??!!" Again, I am saying these things to myself, and I'm just following what Ben asked me to do - take it easy and watch a movie with Ro. Ro loved it. But I continue to beat myself up.
Third, due to the generosity of a friend and the cooperation of Ro's school, Ro has been able to attend preschool for 2 full days per week instead of 2 half days per week. Again, I feel guilty. Ro loves preschool, but when she says she doesn't want to go, or when she says she would rather be home with me all day, I wonder what kind of mom I am becoming. We chose to have me stay home with Ro because that is what we felt was best for her and our family. That being said, I have to remember that I love her preschool, and respect her teachers. She likes to play with the other kids. They have circle time, do crafts, play outside, eat healthy snacks and lunches, and explore the world around them through play.
Then I remember this is all for a period of time. Ro finishes full-days at the end of November. I will once again be able to do things by myself, without help. Yes, the period of time is now extended because of my need for a Caesarean, but again, it is just a period of time. Yes, all of our lives will be turned upside down with the arrival of Looloo, and things will change again, but these changes will all be for the better.
Phew. Thanks for listening to my mind dump. And through all of this, I know God loves me. I know He is in control. I know He will take care of each member of my family. I trust Him with all these little details. Thanks, God, for helping me be able to laugh at myself. :)