an all-time motherhood low

Well, friends, it has happened. Yesterday marked my worst parenting day to date. BRUTAL!

Let me rewind the clock and share with you my most memorable day yesterday. The first person to rise (other than Ben) was Vi, who awoke at 7:50 am - one (and maybe only one) benefit of ongoing time changes that wreak havoc with a young family (that's a whole other blog....). Ro was up shortly after. The first bout of tears was due to the fact that she missed her dad, wanted to go visit him at work, and we weren't able to do so. Ben's new production makes impromptu visits out of the question. My 3 year old had a hard time understanding why we couldn't go visit since Daddy was working at the studio, which is normally the stipulation for visits. After talking her off the ledge, we proceeded with our day.

To be truthful, 24 plus hours later, I can't remember exactly when the train went off the tracks, the exact moment of derailment, but there were many extended periods of weeping and gnashing of teeth. THIS IS NOT NORMAL IN THE SMITH HOUSEHOLD. Sure, we have times and days where we are delicate. But this behaviour was extreme. I was really worried about what was happening. Then the day continued to get worse.

Ro, due to the bacterial infection in her eyes, has had to take some pretty nasty eye drops. Four days after we started them, she finally told me that they "burned like fire", unprompted. I felt horrible, but since they are an antibiotic, we needed to finish the 7 day treatment. 2 eyes, twice a day, for 7 days, made for some pretty horrific times in the Smith household.

ASIDE: To encourage her, I asked her if she would like a special experience when the drops saga was done. Ro said she wanted to go to......I bet you can all guess........Marble Slab. Awesome! It is one of my favourite places to gorge myself on yummy ice cream!! Now, let's be clear. I'm not all about rewards. I believe that a child learns best when the reward comes intrinsically, not extrinsically. I don't believe in stickers, Smarties, toys, etc. being dangled in front of a child's face "if they just.....go pee on the toilet, make their bed, get along with their sibling, etc." However, in this case, I believe a trip to our local ice cream shop was a justified "congratulations, you finished your meds!!" I was going to make a whole post about rewards, but just summed it up here. :)


ASIDE PART TWO: I try to be a peacemaker. It is one of my core values. I have always felt this way about violence, war, fighting, etc., but was challenged long ago to think of the importance of peace in the household also. Talk about conviction! Since then, I have striven to keep my voice within a normal range, to use words that build up not tear down, to watch my body language, to not strike my children. I have failed many times, but that is my goal as a mother and wife. This aside becomes important as you read on.....

Resuming my retelling of yesterday's events - I had tried to keep my emotions at bay all morning. I had not raised my voice. However, my facial expressions probably hinted at how I was fighting tooth and nail to keep my anger in check. Then we had to administer the eye drops.......Ro's morning dosage went pretty well, relatively speaking. Her afternoon dosage ended with me having to force the drops in her eyes. Ro was crying, screaming, yelling, thrashing. I am being brutally honest here. I am not proud of this at all. I never in a million years thought we would get to this point. I am ashamed that we got to this point. However, we did get to this point.

Later, with friends at our house, Ro flew into a manic state (the fourth of the day). I had to remove her from the situation as one of our guests is very sensitive to loud noise (and Ro's screaming and shouting can be loud). I think this physical removal, which generally doesn't happen, reminded Ro of our earlier run-in with the eye drops, and she began to yell at me, and tried to use her hands and fists to make her point. THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE. Unfortunately, I believe I opened the door by being physical with her, by raising my voice, by letting my temper get the best of me earlier in the day.

By the end of the day, I hated myself and my actions. I was upset with my daughter and was so disappointed with her choices. I felt so unloved and so unloving. My household had become the epitome of the opposite of peace. However, Ro and I had a great bedtime routine together last night. We talked to God about our day, about how we had been upset and lost control, we both shed tears, and we were able to ask each other for forgiveness. Forgiveness was granted. We spent time "huggling" and talking about how today was a new day.

I was struck by a couple of things throughout the day:
1. How upset I was with my daughter for the horrible choices she was making. In the darkest moments, it was hard to remember how much I loved her.
2. How upset I was with myself and how quickly I lost control.
3. Was the damage I did undoable?
4. How long would I be cleaning up the mess?

Yesterday made me appreciate how much my Father loves me. For you see, He overlooks everything I do wrong - how I lost my temper with my child and treated her like no one deserves to be treated, especially by their parent, how I seethed with anger, how I acted in a peace-crushing, unloving way - and never forgets how much He loves me. He forgives me at the drop of hat, and FORGETS (a key to true forgiveness).

I have to be honest - today started with much trepidation on my part. It is hard to forget pain. However, Ro was able to forgive and move on. Today was a good day - preschool, 2 hours at the park, reading together, playing together, baking cookies together, enjoying each other. And failure provides the opportunity to be real and authentic with each other and with those around us.

Striving for peace,
Tam