"sleep training" and the Smiths

Bring this up at a party, and either you will gain popularity with new parents who soak up all baby knowledge like a sponge, or become the guest that everyone ignores (and not because you smell). Sleep training - the term makes me cringe because it sounds so formal, so regimented, so unbabylike. Babies are warm, soft, cuddly, pleasingly aromatic, everything pure and delightful.

They lead one to think that life is always calm and peaceful.....and then it happens. They start to sleep less during the day, and consolidate their daytime sleep into naps. Some babies make this transition easily. Others find this transition challenging. Enter our darling Violet.

I believe that babies need to learn how to do a lot of things - like breastfeeding (which I didn't really realize the first time around), rolling, sitting, eating, crawling, walking. Some of these things they learn on their on. Other things need our guidance and support. It just seems so weird to me that they need us to help them to learn how to nap and/or sleep through the night. Ro was a great nighttime sleeper, but a little bit of a sketchy daytime sleeper. Vi was a great nighttime sleeper and then got her first wicked cold. She started to wake up during the night, and I assumed she was hungry. Then it dawned on me that she wasn't hungry, she just wanted to say hello. Mommy has stopped saying hello back, in a kind way. Then rolling over in her crib started and she didn't want to be on her tummy. Thankfully, she now prefers sleeping on her tummy. Now as for daytime sleep.....

Violet started to only sleep for around 45 minutes per nap, 3 times per day. I couldn't figure it out. She was generally very happy and content while she was awake so I tricked myself into thinking that she was getting enough sleep. However, 6 month olds need about 3.25 hours of sleep during the day (in 2 naps). Vi was getting about 2 hours per day (in 3 naps). That deviance was too large for my liking. It then dawned on me that our sleep cycle is 45 minutes in length. I remembered learning about this in first year psychology in university, and then reading about it in a baby sleep book ("Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child"). She was waking at the end of her sleep cycle, and I wasn't giving her the chance, or showing her, that she could go back to sleep. 

It was time for sleep training boot camp. We had been quite structured with Ro (she is our scheduled, routine kid) with her sleeping. Vi has had to roll with the punches being the second child (but that is also her personality - laid back, content), and has been quite good at it. However, her daytime sleep has suffered. Last Wednesday evening we decided to leave her in her crib the next day at naptime to help her learn to fall back to sleep, crying or no crying. Few parents like to talk about this. I know why. It seems so cruel. Listening to your child cry is no fun either. However, we decided this was best for Vi and committed to encourage longer naps for 3-5 days. Thursday she went back to sleep in the morning, but in the afternoon, no such luck. Now, I could have left her in her crib until she did indeed sleep, but it was her feeding time and she had been in her crib for a while (awake for just over 1 hour - I was aiming for a 1 hour, 45 minute nap). The next day she napped for 30 minutes in the morning (we were in the car on our way to visit Auntie El and she woke up and didn't go back to sleep), but then she napped for 3 hours later in the day, without waking up at all. First minor victory!!

Saturday was the worst day of all. I am so thankful that Ben was home to offer his support and encouragement. Vi cried in her crib and didn't fall back to sleep in either of her nap times. Then we turned the corner. Vi had great naps on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday! The 3 days of pain (well, actually, just 2 since Thursday was great) were worth it. I know there are people who would argue with me and ask me how I could do such a thing (I did go in to her to soothe her, but didn't pick her up - a Ferber method). In fact, I read this article while writing this post ("Coddle or let the kid cry?...") and felt sick to my stomach. However:

1. I know that research shows that if you encourage your kids in their sleeping before they are 1 year old, it only takes about 3 days. If you wait until they are older, it can take 7+ days. 

2. Both Ben and I know that sleep deprivation in infants has been linked to behavioural and cognitive problems. We want our daughters to have the best start they possibly can. 

3. Our days had no sense of balance. I would put Vi down for a nap, start a task, and Vi would wake up. I wasn't getting anything done, and I felt like I was losing my sanity some days. NOTE: I know this isn't all about me. :)


4. Vi's days were unpredictable - she didn't know if she would be eating, sleeping, or doing both at the same time. We try to set a routine of eat, activity, sleep. Babies (and children in fact) thrive on predictability and routine. This wasn't working. 

5. A number of my friends who I respect have done similar things at some time or another with their children, and they felt the pay off was worth it.

This post isn't about me advocating a certain method, rationalizing our choice, or putting down others who do things differently. I wanted to share our learnings, our struggles, and talk about the taboo topic we all dodge like the plague.

Here's to health, predictability......AND SLEEP!!!!!
Tam