the journey continues

Happy February!! Some of you, especially from the Great White North, might be wondering what is so happy about February. I'll tell you - winter is still here in full force, yet spring is around the corner; we celebrated our 17 year anniversary (WHAT!!??? I grow more in love with my sidekick as each day passes by - he is such a gift); and God continues to grow me and change me. That doesn't really have to do with February per se, but some of it has happened in February so it has made February "happy".

If you have been reading and following our journey, you will see we have been processing simplicity, and what that means for us as individuals, as parents, and as a family. Some of what it has meant is simplifying our schedule (we have no extra-curricular things on our plate right now, other than volunteering - just "being" is so important for us all!!), and simplifying the clutter (we have continued to give stuff away. The Christie Refugee Welcome Centre in Toronto is always in need of things for families that are looking to start again.). We continually examine how we spend our money so we will spend less, freeing up resources for those that need it. What freedom!!

Then, in the awesome little Thursday evening group I'm a part of, someone recommended reading 7: an experimental mutiny against excess. I am a reader and it sounded intriguing. Plus it was available from our public library. Free reads are even better. Well, talk about being challenged on so many levels, to the core of who I am. I can't stop sharing about this book, and I'm pretty sure everyone is tired of hearing me blab on about it, so I thought I would share about it here so I could process it in community.

Jen Hatmaker, a thirty-something mom of 3 (at that point, now a mom of 5), was encouraged by a friend to do her own social experiment right when she felt God was confronting her with her greed, excess, materialism, consumerism, envy, pride, comfort, insatiability, and irresponsibility. Her social experiment was simple: 7 months, 7 areas, reduced to 7 simple choices. It was a fast for her: an intentional reduction to make room for the important things, to let God do His thing. Jen wanted to repent of some of these things, set an example for her kids, and she wanted to untether from the lie of "more". The 7 areas were food (she only ate 7 foods for the month), clothes (she was allowed 7 articles of clothing for the month), possessions (gave away 7 things her family owned, EVERY DAY), media (no TV, gaming, Facebook/Twitter, iPhone apps, radio, texting, and Internet), waste (7 habits for a greener life: gardening, composting, conserving energy and water, recycling, driving only one car, shopping thrift and second-hand, and buying local for one month), spending (only spent money in 7 places for a month), and stress (she started to take a "Sabbath", a day of rest, and she paused and prayed 7 times per day, based on Seven Sacred Pauses). Some of you are probably thinking this chick is CRAZY, but was this book ever convicting. And God taught her so much.

Here are my own 7 lessons I have learned that have changed how I do life:

1. As Jen learned, no one noticed that she only wore one pair of jeans, 2 t-shirts, 1 long-sleeve shirt, 1 blouse, and 1 pair of capris all month. I can be so wrapped up in what other people think of me, that I quickly lose perspective and start to focus on the outside, when what is on the inside is what impacts everyone around me. NO ONE NOTICED!! 
2. I was challenged to share even more of our things. 2 sets of sheets for our bed? Give 1 to a family that is just starting out. 2 identical measuring cups? Give 1 to a family that is just starting out. A couple of extra towels? Give them to a family that is just starting out. Do we really need 8 plastic plates with matching cups? Nope. Give 4 of each to a family that is just starting out. And the list goes on. Sure, I might experience some inconvenience (like having to hand wash a plate before I was going to run the dishwasher, but really?? I'm going to complain about that??) but the joy of sharing and making a difference in someone else's life far outweigh any inconvenience. 
3. We are going to tackle gardening and canning this summer. Can't beat eating what you grow - keeps it organic, local, and cost-effective!! Hopefully the rabbits will share...
4. I am intentionally resting from sunset Saturday to sunset Sunday. I've never really taken a Sabbath. It's not how I am programmed. I keep looking for more, the next thing to do, under the guise of "being helpful", or "staying ahead of the curve", or "not wanting to let things pile up because then Monday is a gong show". Well, guess what? We have survived 2 Sabbaths, and Mondays have been just fine. It takes a little more planning ahead (like knowing what we are going to eat and having the ingredients on hand, better yet, prepared) but the rest is worth it. Family time. You can't beat it!!
5. I have started to implement the 7 sacred pauses each day and this has been REVOLUTIONARY for me! Okay, my goal is to pause 6 times a day because I am not going to get up at midnight. Sorry! But I have set my alarm for 6 times throughout they day, when I pause, read a little blurb about the pause, read some Scripture that goes along with it (all from the book of Psalms), and I pray. TALK ABOUT GAINING PERSPECTIVE, changing the focus. Starting my day with my focus on God and how I can serve those around me, how He can use me, how I can love those around me - it is healthy. I am intentionally looking for how God can use me throughout my day, inviting the Spirit to lead me, fostering peace in all my relationships, being grateful and thankful (which goes along with the gratitude journal I have been keeping). This is just what the doctor ordered. I feel like I have a new lease on life - and I don't want to waste a day! My eyes and heart are open. 
6. Life in the suburbs might not be the best fit for my family. Considering the environmental cost of commuting, the cost of keeping up 2 cars, the economic ramifications of continually shopping at big box stores, the isolation and perceived "safety" of the 'burbs...an exploration of city life might be in the works. 
7. The American dream isn't what God had in mind for the North American church. We are still acting like we are at a feast, but life is about balance, feast and fast. Where is the fast? Do we think ourselves so superior to the rest of creation that we are willing to deplete the earth to supply our luxuries? Where is the sacrifice for others? Where is the equality? What if all my little purchases do matter? What if we were more interested in justice? What standard is acceptable for my own life? My own family? This is the benchmark for everyone else, which means a decrease in the definition of necessary for us and an increase in the definition of acceptable for everyone else. 

I am 38 (yes, I am 1 year older than the last time I posted something) and am tired of living with my head in the sand. I want to make a difference, which starts with one decision. This one decision starts to impact every other decision that gets made. It becomes the first thing you think about when making a decision. It changes you. What is that decision? The decision to live differently, to make a difference, to not take life and all the things we have in North America for granted, like we deserve them. It is a decision to become focused on others, my neighbours who physically live beside me (hi Darla and Ray!!) and my neighbours who I have never met in South Africa. And do you know what makes this decision even better? Doing it with friends. Who is up for shaking up the status-quo? 

Never the same again,

Tam

Tonight's thoughts.....

What I want my kids to see.....

Jesus with skin on. What does that mean? It means loving boldly (those who wouldn't regularly experience love), giving generously (going without some wants so others can have some needs), and living in peace (amongst other things).

Who can we love boldly? And how? We can love our friends and meet needs, known and unknown. We can share meals, our time, our space, our stuff. We can put others before ourselves. We can love Jesus, and submit to Him. What does this look like to a 3 year old? Well, how do you show a friend you love them? We get to know them better by spending time with them, by learning more about what makes them happy and what they don't like, and by giving of ourselves and our things. Jesus wants us to show this kind of love to everyone, including widows and orphans. 

What does this look like to us? We can invite people over, share a meal, get to know them better. We can listen to them and see where we can get our hands dirty in order to help them and show them they are loved. The girls need to see me learning more about Jesus through reading my Bible, by sharing with them. I can model submission to them, obedience, and freedom. We can spend time with one other family each weekend. The girls and I can have playdates with other moms and kids during the week, making sure no one is lonely. We will dig deeper into kidmax lessons during the week. I will spend time with Jesus everyday in front of the girls, and by myself. This may mean getting up earlier (Vi is up around 5 each morning - this might be tough) or doing it right after they go to bed (way more doable at this point).

Our time as a family is sometimes the hardest thing to share. We don't get much family time during the week, but we sometimes get 30 minutes before Ben goes to work. We could do a better job capitalizing on that time as a family, by relaxing together, praying together, loving each other unconditionally, instead of trying to get something done and worrying about what the day may hold.  After all, a to do list is just another list. 

A 3 year old can get their head wrapped around sharing toys (though they may not like it and may not want to do it all the time). We can start to dialogue about sharing money also. We could brainstorm different ways we could help others with the things we have (time, money). We can show Ro how we support different causes (our local church, Compassion, MCC, etc.) and ask her what she would be interested in learning more about. We could talk about sacrificing a meal out and giving that money, instead, so people can have clean drinking water. We can talk about forgoing individual gifts and having a family experience, or giving what we would have spent on gifts to another worthy organization.

Peace is something we strive for in our words and actions. Peace begins in the home and is modeled by our behaviors - proactive and reactive. We need to be ever mindful of that, regardless of how sleep deprived we are. The words we choose and the tone we use to deliver them can be used to build up or tear down. We always need to build up. No one else is going to fill this role in our children's lives. We need to show forgiveness and reconciliation. We can show what it looks like to ask forgiveness and grant it. 

As a parent, I have much to ask forgiveness for - selfishness, laziness, worrying about things that don't necessarily affect my daughters' characters, being impatient and harbouring resentment in my heart, not being intentional enough about modeling love, generosity, and peace. The cool thing is that I know I am loved and forgiven by those I call my family and by Jesus. I am imperfect, but I know in my weakness, Jesus will show His strength. 

Determined to run the race with joy and a thankful heart,
Tam

an all-time motherhood low

Well, friends, it has happened. Yesterday marked my worst parenting day to date. BRUTAL!

Let me rewind the clock and share with you my most memorable day yesterday. The first person to rise (other than Ben) was Vi, who awoke at 7:50 am - one (and maybe only one) benefit of ongoing time changes that wreak havoc with a young family (that's a whole other blog....). Ro was up shortly after. The first bout of tears was due to the fact that she missed her dad, wanted to go visit him at work, and we weren't able to do so. Ben's new production makes impromptu visits out of the question. My 3 year old had a hard time understanding why we couldn't go visit since Daddy was working at the studio, which is normally the stipulation for visits. After talking her off the ledge, we proceeded with our day.

To be truthful, 24 plus hours later, I can't remember exactly when the train went off the tracks, the exact moment of derailment, but there were many extended periods of weeping and gnashing of teeth. THIS IS NOT NORMAL IN THE SMITH HOUSEHOLD. Sure, we have times and days where we are delicate. But this behaviour was extreme. I was really worried about what was happening. Then the day continued to get worse.

Ro, due to the bacterial infection in her eyes, has had to take some pretty nasty eye drops. Four days after we started them, she finally told me that they "burned like fire", unprompted. I felt horrible, but since they are an antibiotic, we needed to finish the 7 day treatment. 2 eyes, twice a day, for 7 days, made for some pretty horrific times in the Smith household.

ASIDE: To encourage her, I asked her if she would like a special experience when the drops saga was done. Ro said she wanted to go to......I bet you can all guess........Marble Slab. Awesome! It is one of my favourite places to gorge myself on yummy ice cream!! Now, let's be clear. I'm not all about rewards. I believe that a child learns best when the reward comes intrinsically, not extrinsically. I don't believe in stickers, Smarties, toys, etc. being dangled in front of a child's face "if they just.....go pee on the toilet, make their bed, get along with their sibling, etc." However, in this case, I believe a trip to our local ice cream shop was a justified "congratulations, you finished your meds!!" I was going to make a whole post about rewards, but just summed it up here. :)


ASIDE PART TWO: I try to be a peacemaker. It is one of my core values. I have always felt this way about violence, war, fighting, etc., but was challenged long ago to think of the importance of peace in the household also. Talk about conviction! Since then, I have striven to keep my voice within a normal range, to use words that build up not tear down, to watch my body language, to not strike my children. I have failed many times, but that is my goal as a mother and wife. This aside becomes important as you read on.....

Resuming my retelling of yesterday's events - I had tried to keep my emotions at bay all morning. I had not raised my voice. However, my facial expressions probably hinted at how I was fighting tooth and nail to keep my anger in check. Then we had to administer the eye drops.......Ro's morning dosage went pretty well, relatively speaking. Her afternoon dosage ended with me having to force the drops in her eyes. Ro was crying, screaming, yelling, thrashing. I am being brutally honest here. I am not proud of this at all. I never in a million years thought we would get to this point. I am ashamed that we got to this point. However, we did get to this point.

Later, with friends at our house, Ro flew into a manic state (the fourth of the day). I had to remove her from the situation as one of our guests is very sensitive to loud noise (and Ro's screaming and shouting can be loud). I think this physical removal, which generally doesn't happen, reminded Ro of our earlier run-in with the eye drops, and she began to yell at me, and tried to use her hands and fists to make her point. THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE. Unfortunately, I believe I opened the door by being physical with her, by raising my voice, by letting my temper get the best of me earlier in the day.

By the end of the day, I hated myself and my actions. I was upset with my daughter and was so disappointed with her choices. I felt so unloved and so unloving. My household had become the epitome of the opposite of peace. However, Ro and I had a great bedtime routine together last night. We talked to God about our day, about how we had been upset and lost control, we both shed tears, and we were able to ask each other for forgiveness. Forgiveness was granted. We spent time "huggling" and talking about how today was a new day.

I was struck by a couple of things throughout the day:
1. How upset I was with my daughter for the horrible choices she was making. In the darkest moments, it was hard to remember how much I loved her.
2. How upset I was with myself and how quickly I lost control.
3. Was the damage I did undoable?
4. How long would I be cleaning up the mess?

Yesterday made me appreciate how much my Father loves me. For you see, He overlooks everything I do wrong - how I lost my temper with my child and treated her like no one deserves to be treated, especially by their parent, how I seethed with anger, how I acted in a peace-crushing, unloving way - and never forgets how much He loves me. He forgives me at the drop of hat, and FORGETS (a key to true forgiveness).

I have to be honest - today started with much trepidation on my part. It is hard to forget pain. However, Ro was able to forgive and move on. Today was a good day - preschool, 2 hours at the park, reading together, playing together, baking cookies together, enjoying each other. And failure provides the opportunity to be real and authentic with each other and with those around us.

Striving for peace,
Tam