I'm pretty sure everyone has experienced hurt in a relationship - a friend who stabbed us in the back or worse yet, abandoned us; a lover who has said hurtful things; a parent who let us down; someone who hasn't really understood when you thought they would. I have been on the receiving end of all these situations...and have dished them out.
Enter my life partner and best friend, Ben.
A lot of mornings he is why I get up with a smile on my face. During the day, I can't wait to text him to share a funny story, the latest update about the girls, to vent for a couple of sentences. And then a lot of evenings, I sit at home alone, with the girls in bed. Well, most evenings I am frantically doing laundry, cleaning, and catching up with the day's mess. But the bottom line is I'm still alone.
Here is why I am an entertainment widow: Ben works in the film industry. He is a first camera assistant, or focus puller. He has been in the industry for more than a decade, starting as a trainee, then a second assistant, and now a first assistant. I am HUGELY proud of him. Ben works so hard, takes pride in what he does, continually strives to better himself, and is really good at his job. He tries to love those around him, and keep peace in a sometimes stressful work environment. Ben is a wanted man for his uncanny technological savvy. He loves what he does. I love what he does. What's the catch? We both hate the hours.
Let me try to share what his work week is like (this is going to be one of those times where most people won't truly understand what I am trying to share, but will nod as if they get it). A normal week has a nice and early start to Monday morning. Ben will be out of the house before any of us are awake. He might be home before I go to bed. Canadian actors require 10 hours of turn around time, American actors require 11. That means, from when the director calls a wrap (or ends shooting for the day), they cannot require an actor to be back on set for 10 hours. This means Tuesday's call time will be a little later than Monday's. We probably won't see Ben in the morning, and we probably won't see him in the evening. Day 3 of the work week - Wednesday. Ben's call time will be even later so chances are we will see him while he is getting ready to go to work. We cram as much quality time as we can in waking him up, listening to him shower, being with him while he dons his apparel, eats breakfast, and heads out the door. He is home after we are all long asleep. Thursday morning, later (try to keep our kids quiet while Ben sleeps. Proves to be tricky with a babe, a 3 year old, life happening, and a wife who wants to shower). Friday morning, later (normally we leave the house so we don't wake up Ben). Saturday morning, Ro just wants to hang out with her Dad. She has missed him all week. We have all missed him. This sounds reasonable. However, Ben is exhausted. He has worked hard all week and needs to sleep. We try to negotiate a middle ground so that Ben gets a little sleep (this past weekend - 3 hours on Saturday morning was all Ben could get) and the girls and I get to hang out with him and it feels like we have had a weekend together.
Some weeks are much better than others. Some shows are better than others (Resident Evil 4 was awesome. Lower budget things are generally pretty good too as they don't have the moolah to pay overtime). I didn't even try to explain what happens when Ben has night exteriors near the end of the week, or if Ben has to shoot nights. What about when Ben is on location, out of town? Loneliness sets in for me. Thoughts of bitterness creep in around the edges. "I didn't sign up for this. I don't want to be a single parent. Why di I have to carry the load around our home?" Let's be clear - my husband doesn't want his wife to be a single parent and it frustrates him that everything around the house falls to me. Frustration mounts, multiplied by exhaustion. Then there are a million ways we are busy, during the week and on the weekend. Words can be said that can cut to the quick and can cause a slow bleed that, if we aren't careful, can bleed for days, weeks. Communication can become painful, because one doesn't know what to say as the situation can't be remedied.
I've been married 15 1/2 years (to the same guy). We were married on reading week in our third year of university. We were young, totally committed to each other, in love, and wanting to spend the rest of our lives together. This still holds true (except maybe the young part). Each step of the way in our marriage has required forgiveness, communication, and grace. Love has conquered all, and continues to do so. Most recently, a really honest phone conversation was painful (like having a bandaid ripped off), but then really good. We renewed our commitment to making our crazy schedule work for our family.
Don't let circumstances undermine what is truly important. Don't let your hurt stand in the way of communicating. Get help if you need it. Pray for protection for your marriage.
Hats off to all my married friends - whose spouses are around, work from home, work overtime, travel a lot...We get it - it's a crazy ride! Buckle your seat belts...
Here's to another amazing 15 1/2 years with my best friend,
Tam
