well, it's official...

To add suspense to this post, let me first start by apologizing for the week's hiatus from my blog. I have read some great posts by others, but haven't posted anything myself. I have had lots of ideas floating around, but the real reason is this - my husband got me hooked on a new show. Let's just say it is about zombies and such. Now, most of you are rolling your eyes and wondering what is wrong with me. But I'm telling you, the show is good drama. Period. I've watched 11 episodes in 1 week. I add this tidbit so you cancel your plans to set up an intervention.

Oh, right. I was saying something about something official. Are you relaxed? Let me share a funny story. I received an email about 2 weeks ago, innocently stating that I was due back to work in a few weeks, and the HR specialist thought we should chat about that. Indeed!?! When I left my position last December to go on a mat leave, one of my best friend's was my direct report. I asked if I could be done December 1, she agreed, and that was that. I knew that they had hired a terrific gal to take over the curriculum editing reins, and I thought no more about it. Who knew I still had a job? You mean, this whole time I was actually on a mat leave, and not a stay-at-home-mom, a domestic engineer? Ben and I both laughed and laughed, and then I felt a knot in my stomach. What was I going to decide?

My curriculum editing position was a sweet fit for me. I had been the curriculum pastor full-time, editing ages 1 to grade 5 curriculum. I then had Ro, took a 21-week break, and then went back at it, 5 hours per week, from home. The extra money was helpful, and I was able to fit the 5 hours into my week in a relatively pain-free way. In fact, when Ro started preschool (which my job covered), I would edit curriculum on those mornings.

But then Vi came along. Having 2 children has ... upped the busy factor in our home. Keeping up with 2 girls is an adventure. Keeping on top of life plus keeping on top of 2 girls fills my days (and generally my evenings). I know 5 hours a week doesn't sound like a lot, but when extra time is at a premium, 5 hours is a lot. Interestingly enough, Ben and I have had a couple of conversations over the past 2 weeks about how I feel like I am just keeping it together. Then this email.

I'm sure some of you are thinking, why was this a hard decision then? If I was feeling so stretched, why even consider taking on this employment again? This is hard for me to put into words, but I will try. My job wasn't and isn't just employment for me. It was never just a pay cheque. Let me break this down:
1. I definitely felt like my move from being a teacher to being a children's pastor was something God led me to do.
2. I love my employer.
3. I love the people I work with.
4. I have been missing the adult interaction.
5. I have been working through what my mission might be over the next 5 years, praying, talking to friends, processing. And I definitely feel like communication is going to play a role. This job is about communicating (though in a limited sense since it is just editing).
6. I didn't want to close the door on future employment.

Well, after taking some time, I realized a few things:
1. I am happy, content, to be a mom and wife full-time.
2. Being a full-time wife and mom is what my family needs right now. It is best for them.
3. Part of what I really missed was the affirmation for work well done. I am a people pleaser. It can be incredibly hard to please an almost-4-year-old, and our almost-1-year-old is too easy to please (who knew my breasts were in such high demand?). Receiving encouragement is something I thrive on and I got my fair share in the workplace.
4. I still tie some of my self-worth to "what I do", "what I accomplish", and I can't help but look at the things I used to do outside the four walls of my home and crave that life. But then I close my eyes, picture my 2 amazing gifts, and hear their voices and their laughter. I am their mom. I can find LOTS of worth in that.
5. My decision to stay home would be fully understood. It would not have any negative impact on future employment.

So then I let my friend, Katie, the HR specialist, know about my decision. She was super supportive and encouraging (just what I needed - thanks God). And so it's official. I'm a SAHM. This is also the boost I have needed right now. Look out world! Here I come!!

Reveling in my official status,
Tam