Let me introduce myself. My four-year-old likes to sometimes refer to me as "mean mommy". This is new in the Smith household. What has triggered this (abc - look at what comes before the behaviour under scrutiny - antecedent, behaviour, how will you handle this so the behaviour has less chance or recurring - consequence)? Sometimes, I hate to admit, the label is a valid one - I lose my patience and raise my voice (for example). This is also a new thing in the Smith household. Other times, Ro senses an injustice (from her point-of-view), such as a consequence to a misbehaviour, and dissolves into tears, blaming her "mean mommy".
Most of you know I value peace and I am a firm believer that peace begins in the home. I'm not only talking about peace in our actions, but in our words, and our tone of voice. This is something I strive to model in all my relationships, but particularly with my girls. As a teacher, if I was going to lose my cool, I would turn away from my students and count to ten. My kids knew what was up and they would check what was happening (they were in grade six and were good at this). I would apologize if I did slip up, raising my voice or using a disrespectful tone. This went a long way with my students.
Fast forward to my current circumstances. I no longer teach grade six students. I am the mom (my heart jumps with joy when I say this) to a four-year-old and an almost one-year-old. We are in an interesting phase with the girls. Vi likes to talk all the time. She is experimenting with all kinds of different sounds, babbling away to herself or anyone who will listen. I love this stage. Ro, too, likes to make sounds non-stop, whether she is engaging you or someone else in a conversation or she is making sounds, different sounds, than Vi. I love that she wants to communicate about everything. However, their soundtracks aren't in harmony. They are two different melodies, in non-complimenting keys. I can listen for a while, then try to tune one out, and then I am totally finished. Done. My brain can't take it any longer and I usually end up saying, loudly, "Ro, could you please stop making noise?" Is this respectful? Loving? Peaceful?
Part of me feels like Ro doesn't NEED to make sounds all the time. She can talk and sing, hum and laugh. Second, Vi is right at the stage where she is exploring sounds and stringing sounds together to make words. I want to foster this, not hamper it. Third, Ro, like her mom, struggles with regulating her volume. We are loud. This may all be true, but doesn't warrant me losing my cool.
Taking it a step further, Ro is repeating my prayer language. "Mom, I thought you were going to be more patient?" *Sigh*. And let me clarify - this is not said in a rude or cheeky way. I have been praying that I would be more patient. Nothing like being held accountable.
Now the cool thing is, all of this has led to many great talks about patience, love, and forgiveness. Ro is one of the most forgiving people I know - she is quick to forgive and doesn't hold grudges or remember past wrongs. Talk about shining Jesus to me and others. It is very humbling learning from your kids. Let me expand on this. I didn't go into parenting thinking I had all the answers, but I didn't spend a lot of time thinking, wondering about what I could and would learn from my kids. But each day I learn something - either about life, myself (which isn't always fun), or love. What a gift!
As I have typed this, I have been trying to think of some strategies to salvage this situation. I can remove myself and take deep breaths. I can count to ten and in a level tone of voice do some redirection. Bottom line - I need to learn to enjoy this phase because that is what this is: a short phase that I will soon miss. I can't believe my baby is almost one...
Here's to short phases and peace in our homes,
Tam
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