wife Tammy

Howdy from Smith clan land! Lots has happened since we last touched base:
1. Ro had a double ear infection.
2. Loved ones surprised their families for Christmas and our home was their home (we would have it no other way).
3. We celebrated Christmas 3 times.
4. Vi had pneumonia.
5. I am 37 years old (that's for another post).
6. Dear friends arrived from Winnipeg and we had too little hangout time with them.
7. And don't forget my 13 month old's dairy allergy (no milk ingredients at all - no problem, right?)

*Collective sigh* ... And now it is 2012. Trust me, stopping to catch your breath is highly overrated. I didn't even find time to write (obviously). I don't know how other moms/wives do it - find time, for anything "extra". By the time I have loved on my crew and met their needs, it is time for bed. And I like my bed. In fact, I like to sing songs of endearment to my bed. And there, I have gone and shared too much once again.

There have been so many posts in my head over the last weeks, but I have prioritized time building relationships and sharing life, over writing. I have missed it, and know I have spent my time wisely. But now that I find my kidlets in bed, and have spent a delicious weekend with my hubby, I can write. Speaking of my hubby, that's what this post is going to be about - our marriage (with Ben's permission, of course).

In less than 1 month, we will have been married 16 years (and no, we weren't 12 when we got married. Excuse me, we were 21. Yes, eyebrows are raised when people hear how long we have been married and peg my age at around 30). They have been an amazing 16 years and I wouldn't choose to spend them with another person or in another way: married in university, living month to month, being able to meet our needs but nothing else. Sending time with friends, being each other's best friend, sharing our dreams, hopes, grief, and joy. Graduating with $95000 in student loan debt, starting our careers, saying goodbye for now to grandparents, buying our first home, celebrating 5 years of marriage in Mexico, then 10 in Italy and France, buying our first car. Deciding to start a family and having Ro after being married almost 12 years. We have done a lot, seen a lot, loved a lot, cried a lot. There have been lots of changes (like moving 8 times in 10 years!!!!!), but there have been several constants - God's love for us, the love and support of our friends and family, and our love for each other.

The single biggest change has been having children. What joy! What heartache! What fatigue! My identity as teacher, then pastor, has become that of mom. The vast majority of the time that puts a huge smile on my face. However, this has also taken a toll on our marriage. We have 2 beautiful daughters who rely on us for most of their needs. That keeps us hopping. We steal moments during the day to stop and check in with each other (either texting on weekdays or face-to-face on the weekend), to display our love, to cover each other's back, to cheer each other on. We are an united force in parenthood and life. Observing Ben as dad to our girls is heartwarming and incredibly sexy (to me). So far, sounds pretty good, right? But when Ben only gets to hang out with us on the weekend (when he is working, which seems to be most of the time - and our freelance friends can attest to how thankful we are for this), there isn't a lot of time left for each other and developing our relationship. Saturday night can be our only date night, but in the past, we have had many reasons for this not to come to fruition (cost of babysitting, cost of date, other relationship commitments, other family commitments, unavailable babysitter, etc.). We would take advantage when we could, enjoyed our time immensely, and swore to each other we would do it more.

Enter reality. We have date nights about once per month. THIS IS NOT ENOUGH! Your marriage needs attention and work, just like every relationship. So you end up just holding it all together, biting your tongue to avoid conflict as you don't want to spend the time you do have together bickering or working things out. And never mind about showing your love in a physical way - between being tired and rarely in bed together at the same time, this aspect of your relationship suffers too. You still love each other, adore each other, are each other's biggest fan, and value modeling a healthy marriage for your children, but is that what they are really seeing? Are they seeing you madly in love? Are they seeing you prioritize each other and your relationship?

Enter almost two weeks ago. Ben was home, Christmas commitments were fulfilled, Ro was better, Vi was stable. Ben planted the seed of going away as a family. Wednesday, January 4, we research every available 4 1/2 star or better resort that is available. We narrow down our choices. On the afternoon on Thursday, January 5, we whisper about the possibility of Ben and I going away ourselves, yes, sans enfants (we have only been away from Ro for one night at a time about four times since she was born, and we have never been away from Vi). Our plan starts to take shape: Sandra covers Saturday, my parents cover Saturday afternoon to Tuesday, then Thursday to Sunday, Ben's sister and his mom cover Tuesday and Wednesday. We talk to a cruise

This is the best decision we have ever made (relatively speaking of course). We spent the week side by side, reading, going down water slides, eating, exploring new beaches, laughing, taking pictures, talking, being silent, sleeping, watching movies, hot tubbing, people watching, ocean watching, swimming, shopping. We talked, listened, spoiled each other, and gave each other our undivided attention. It was a time to recharge our batteries together, and then come home, ready to tackle the daily grind together again. Our daughters need to see us madly in love...and generally they do. Opportunities like this escape, though so rare, are priceless. Our marriage is healthier for it. Have I mentioned lately how smart, thoughtful, sensitive, kind, and handsome Ben is? I am so proud of him.

My dearest

Sunrise from our balcony

Mullet Bay, St. Maarten

Us at Mullet Bay, St. Maarten

Me at Magen's Bay, St. Thomas

Ben at Cabbage Beach, Paradise Island

Prioritizing your marriage - that is never a bad decision. Whether you can find some time on a regular basis to build into each other or take some time away here and there, you need to do this. Marriages need to be protected. Your marriage needs to be protected and fostered. So do it.

And here is to our semi-regular date nights that started last night (we saw Hugo - worth seeing for sure!). Thanks Emily!

Madly in love with my life partner,
Tam